Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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