You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The Olympian is in my bed
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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