I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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