i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
