I just cut my nipple shaving
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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