There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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