I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
