just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
