I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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