If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
