I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
