I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize