Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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