at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
