Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
God I need to hump something, right now.
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