Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
barbara walters just said penis...
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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