i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
