u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just had sex on a roof
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
