All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
