she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
