The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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