I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
