You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
