i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
