Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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