dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
