I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
