wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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