he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sorry my hands just texted you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
