we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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