You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
