drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
