Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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