I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
