A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
