my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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