I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i think im in europe. pls send help
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
