in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
