He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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