capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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