so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
