I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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