Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
