Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
