you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
