Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
