I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
