Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I am one with the molecules
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
