did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
