She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
