i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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