put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
