I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
