He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
