and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
