you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I think I died a long time ago.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize