I faked an abortion last night.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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