When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
