she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
